| Merry freakin Christmas |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|03:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
So, last night, Christmas Eve was interesting. We went to Destroyer and I played for the Chaplain's service. Naturally it in no way compared to home. However, it was interesting in a couple ways my mom pointed out. I'm a lot closer to where Bethlehem geographically with many people from very different backrounds. The best one were the Ugandans. They all speak British English and sing all the Christmas carols. A couple also brought their own Bibles to the service. I wish I could talk to one of them, that'd be cool. And then I played at his midnight service also and a lot more people attended than I would have thought and to my joy they sang. So I was not wholey disappointed. Today though, I was not pleased. We got up supermad early and it was cold. Then we went to Assasin (hanging out with Ssg Cook was fun, lol Sohan beats him up). Cpt Ali made me mad, I know it's an aidstation, but dude, it was freaking cold and our heaters weren't working. And that General annoyed me, all he had to do was say "Merry Christmas" and move along. Although, is Christmas considered secular by the military? I mean, people come for Christmas and Thanksgiving, but I doubt I'll hear a "Happy Hanuka(sp?)" Or "Merry Yule" or whatnot. So is it considered secular? And then we went to Sallie outpost, then the JSS briefly, and I was only irritated because I was so tired (and hungy, no lunch or breakfast so Schwarz and I ate tootsie rolls lol). We came back here, they had dinner some guy made me mad nitpicking at uniforms and I'm not sure if it bothered me the nitpicking or that he called me SPC I would have preferred, dude or man or something. Also, hello, christmas, freaking chill for one bleading day. Dinner was alright, the turkey was ok, we watched "The Christmas Story" in the aidstation and that was okish, almost nice. Too many of the medics were not here though, it made it sad to me. And, side note. I'm angry with Jade. I've decided that he goes around saying such absurd things then he can't be trusted to be discreet in any other matters also, who knows what else he lies about? I tried to find excuses to absolve him, but I honestly can't think of a legitimate reason to act like that, plus on the behalf of a fellow medic, I don't think I should associate with him. I just want to go home and hang out in the forest or at the river with my family. I miss the land like I know it. Oh well, Merry Christmas anyway, I think I'll go po-oh my gosh am I taking the chaplain's advise? whatever-nder about what Christmas means to me anyway. |
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| Nilly |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|12:44 pm] |
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So I had this wierd dream last night. I was being chased by Sgt. G for some reason, but that wasn't who it was. Anyway, I guess he joined 'my side' and his employer tried to kill him with poison knives or something. I tried to throw rocks at him and told my ally to run. All my rocks missed but he got away with those long legs of his. Then when the enemy came back for some reason he was a she on a motorcycle and Megan, Toph (what the hell?) and I had to climb over this giant fence to escape. The interesting thing is the next 'chapter" followed my assasin turned ally who was called by his companion "Nilly". She tried to tell him he was part giant or something, took him to some creepy show as a way or 'making a point'. There were giants there and they were creepy. But Nilly seemed like a nice guy, sort of confused though. Man, I have some odd dreams sometimes. Oh yeah, and the employer was kind of lame (I'm referring to his limbs) I forgot that part. Yeah, so, dreams. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|06:38 pm] |
I was so very angry this evening, I actually cut too deeply. And damn it, when I'm that furious, I forget to stay under the sleeve. Dude, you know, I haven't actually done that in a while. Most of the old ones were mostly gone. I was going to say it wasn't so much what he said or how he said it, but it was. That was ridiculous, if he had a problem with my 'attitude' than he had many opportunities when we were in the aidstation studying to talk about it. "Cool with [me]?" You fucking im me ( and I know that I change pronouns). Just so you know, no one thinks of you as an nco. When they talk about you, you're still just your last name, nothing before it. And it's not just cause it's new. I'm not saying to be an asshole, that's not what makes a leader, and yes one needs a degree of authority, but it's more about show then tell. You lack initiative and also, what do you do for the soldiers? I'm not sure, I couldn't say nothing, because I'm not there all the time. But personally, I think Westbrooks much more of an NCO than you. And you can't just get angry all of the sudden to 'assert' yourself, that doesn't work either, than people just think you're bipolar and still have no respect for you. There are much better ways of handling such things, if you had a problem you should have taken me aside to discuss it. I have no respect for you as a person and very little hope. What else was I going to say, oh yeah, I retract my apology of earlier, you were the one who was wrong, you made the damn commitment and you are the one who should have been pressing not I. "When I don't want to study" don't want? It's your fucking job. I'm just trying to decide wether or not to let you take me to the board, I mean, it's practically almost upon me but I don't want you taking me, I don't want to study with you. I understand having to be an nco but there are ways to handle that which don't involve blowing up in a person's face. I could have blown up at you but when I was angry I just kept my distance and tried to consider if I was wrong and by the way I had decided I was right, but chose to apologise anyway. In closing, go fuck yourself you two-faced, limp wristed, non-initiative taking, creepy, whore. Ooh, I like that. "Respect the rank, not the man?" Live up to your fucking rank then bitch and don't just try to use it when it suits you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2007|05:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Fucking Iraq | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | Telavators- Mars Volta | ] |
I just got an IM and it wasn't whom I'd hoped. I think I am being the fool. I know better, but I don't want to know. Just once I'd like one of my foolish dreams to come true. And it was such a lovely dream. I'll hold onto it anyway, just a little longer so what if I appear the fool, at least I dare to hope.
With shroud, and mast, and pennon fair,
That well had borne their part,--
But the noblest thing that perished there
Was that young, faithful heart.
Felicia Dorothea Hemans excerpt Casabianca |
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| subjective |
[Oct. 26th, 2007|07:55 pm] |
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Hm, not much going on, still the same old, but a little more fun I think. Now I'm on CSD, I think it's fun, at least we go out. I miss the old CA team and Cpt Hathaway though. Now that was fun. Supposedly we're at the exact halfway mark. So I'm signing up for airborne and I was thinking of maybe trying for my EFMB, it'd be worth it! SSG Baylosis is pretty certain I'll get my 5. they're actually fairly helpful. I don't know what to do with JZ. I never know what to do with muchachos do I? I'm still trying to learn spanish,but it's slow going, maybe Roman will be my Spanish pen pal, lol. I asked mom for some spanish children's books, wonder if she remembered? She sent some halloween candy, that was nice of her. Not much more to say other than that, I'm more commonly happy recently than depressed, and I think that's a good. Also, I'm an aunt!!!!!! |
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| No necessito un mistico nuclear |
[Sep. 26th, 2007|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | Jeremias- Uno y uno igual a tres | ] |
Finally, it works. I still cant get myspace to work. Course, the only 'friends' I have is Perry and Gonzo's wife. Which I think is funny and I'm never going to see my fish again :( I hope he has a good life. I don't think Gonzo's going to talk to me and I'm kind of alright with that, but I think I should have just talked with him straight up, it's just I'd much rather spend time with the other person who was also visiting hammer. I'm so annoyed, I can't find something, but I"m not even sure if I had it to begin with I don't remember if I got it back after leave. damn. And Usaa keeps sending me shit months late even though, they know I have a power of attorney. Jackass. I love watching these spanish music videos. LoMas is awesome. Me Puede is one of my favorite, I just like it and I can understand it, ha. |
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| ca bhuil mo cairde |
[Sep. 20th, 2007|09:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Cavalry Country | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | can you see me now-tatu | ] |
Ca bhuil mo cairde?
Donde estan mis amigos? I'm still trying to learn languages, guess I need more work on my French because I should be able to say that but I can't remember where. Tres mal. Anywhoo, I finally got a reply from Katie after practically yelling at her over e-mail. Yay (the reply not the yelling). So I sent her a reply and she still hasn't answered :P. I'll send another one. Do like I do with mi hermano, simply refuse to go away. Yeah. I really really want to learn these languages, I think they're fabulous and open up a whole different world. I went to Hammer with Red platoon (Williams usually, but Lowery is temporarly filling in). I got to shoot a 25MM at the range (the big gun on a Bradley). SSG Cook was at Hammer learning some dentistry, funny. Man, I still have to choke him out, just once cause he always wins. And then they tried to trick me into doing jumping jacks, but I know why so I deprived them. Have we honestly been here this long? They're all so goofy though. Forbes had me watch an anime movie with him. I talked to Gonzo and said I might stop by but I didn't because I'd rather hang out with Forbes, Whitt, SSG Cook, and Roman. He said he might come by and I hoped he would, but I think it ultimately proves that as much as I enjoyed hanging out with him there is no kindred bound, he is more an aquaintance and I wish he'd get over his silly fixation maybe I should just tell him so, but I guess I'm afraid to loose him as a friend. I'm not saying...I just can't live up to what he wants because it's not what I want despite what he thinks he knows about me. It's too early to really know much anyway, but not to early to try. Nevermind- |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|02:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Still Iraq | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | Televators~Mars Volta | ] |
Yay, this time it works. Usually it tells me javascript is not enabled though it is. Man, I was ok, earlier, not happy not mad. Now I'm mad. Especially at Katie and a little at Way. Though he may be deployed so he at least has an excuse. Her though, how hard is it to say, 'Hey what's up?" Seriously. I hope my last e-mail wasn't a bad move, but goddamnit, if I can't be honest with her maybe we're not as good of friends that I thought. I hate that, here I invested so much time...Maybe not quite enough effort, maybe I should have been honest long ago. It's always that damn fear factor. Who cares? There are lots of people who just won't click, lot's of people that just won't get eachother, and what does it all matter when the people you know and love, love you too? And you know they do. Goddess, can you help me beat some sense into myself? I'm sure you're as dissappointed as I am. Ick. I wish SSG Cook was here, I miss silly theories, trying to beat him at bommerman and having stupid debates. I thought I was going to Assasin. Haven't heard much since though. Whatever, in a while, I'll go home. And I think I'll learn how to dance. I really want to try out for the soldier show. I think it would be a lot of fun. And fuck you're yelling hermano, I can bleeding sing. Even Josh told me so and he's never said a word to me before or after. Fuck it, I know there's happiness and the answer is love. I read a story about a family that adopted seven boys and nevermine, I know the story, I love that story so very much, I want that to be my story. |
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| Here comes the sun |
[Aug. 27th, 2007|07:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | Ramstein | ] |
I had a question but I forgot it. I loathe when people make generalizations. I know they only come with some truth, but just because five people do something doesn't make that true for the next five people that walk in wearing the same color t-shirt. Honestly. The reason I personally don't work, is I let myself be a fearful creature and if one is too rapted up in fear it's hard to reach out to others. I love this song, Here Comes the Sun. That's so weird, I came across the page of a certain medic, it was sad and at the other time it seems so unreal. I don't know, death still just seems so unreal. I know people die, but it just seems like I'll see them somewhere else soon. It's never been close enough, knock on wood, I've had a bit of anger and sadness even with Grandpa.
So now they're offering 20,000 for a 'quick ship' enlistment. That reeks of desperation. Let's get more numbers to through at them because that solves everything. You don't even know what they're doing! Granted people, don't know what they're doing. But on such a scale, fucking think! Where are the real people? The wise people? The good people? The idealist? The people that think about tomorow, love, family, and a fucking thousand years from now? Course so many things will have changed by then, wonder if we'll be worth remember as anything but a lesson? I don't know just the sound of that made me so angry, it sounds so much like they're bumbling in the dark. |
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| Garlic bread |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|08:30 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Dublin, for the mo' | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | Scar Night- Alan Campbell | ] |
So, I was just reading this story with Trance and Harper, very cute. I had a sandwich and garlic bread for lunch, very odd. I was thinking about getting a tattoo around my write, right. I was also thinking, how lovely it'd be to have a special friend. One who's interested is never there, one who I like (he has a very lovely back and a quality character) is out of the question, one who I really really like,never. So that leaves? Man, there's no where anyway, I mean there is the track that only I have the key to, there's the dirty ass non used bathrooms, and there's the roof with a camera. It's a shame, really. I have to see if I can take a couple online courses, I'd really like to start getting points, cause if I do ever have to go back to charlie I want to be able to fight, because they're incompetent idiots who don't care about their soldiers. I should write Gonzo a letter, don't know how he's doing or what, but I don't want him to think he was just forgotten, though for the most part he was. I hate that actually, the whole out of sight out of mind thing. It makes me think love and friendship aren't real, but I guess it's not really true. I always remember my family because I love them. I hold onto good friends for as long as possible. I guess when one really finds a true friend it'll be different. Till then maybe the others really are aquaintances along the journey. It's sad and it's not. I guess another problem I always had is I believed I was easily forgettable even when I was still right there, but it's not true with the people who really matter. I really need to stop being so stupid. Life's a journey, I enjoy taking the scenic rougtes, just relax and enjoy the now, that's another of your biggest problems. Gosh, I wish I was in a choir right now, I miss it so much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|12:05 pm] |
I admit I've always wanted to live an adventure, be a legend, live a life like the stories I love: epic, etc. I like the sound of revolution, the idea of fighting for something so important you don't just believe in it it resonates in your soul, you feel it. I like treating patients and I like the sounds of fire, in other words, a bit of an action junkie. Ironically, people scare me not death, stupid I know but it's a personality flaw (major flaw). Still, I think there are things we need to change, things we need to fight. I liked the story of Robert Emmett, even though he failed in his attempt he succeeded in inspiring so many. Anyway, if there was a way, if I were smarter, had stronger character... I see and so do others
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2007|07:31 pm] |
I miss my oomas already. They're like brothers, they're teasing and crazy and I wish they were here too. Imagine how fun it would be. This is what I joined the army for. I hope they are all okay while I'm gone. I'm a bit dissappointed about Dannie, I think he's more imature than I thought. I wish I could have some crazy European sex with a lovely Irish lad, make out with a comely Irish lass in Belfast. Or even Dannie if we could get away with it. I feel so deprived. I want to go and buy really pretty underwear. I miss make-up. And getting drunk and making out and going to petsmart and petting the puppies. I want to go dance in the rain and run through a meadow with aromatic flowers. Wow I'm tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2007|01:03 pm] |
Maybe torrow>
Devil
Wayward son
I wish it would rain
Behemian
Juice box
white al nerdy<
the man song
wires athlete
whiskey in the jar
no children
if everyone cared
sorry seems to be the hardest word
chasing cars
you don't know me
Save myself
wings of a butterfly <
ove story
mad world<
barbie gilr<
in the shadows
paint it black
Jesus walks
renegade
it's nothing/dangerous
we are
SOS
These are songs I'd like
I'd also like the movies Brotherhood of the wolf, Strayed, and Last Day
everything burns
I like the way body rockers
this is the new shit
korn
lacuna coil swamped
land of cunfusion
scotty doesn't know
judith remix
letcher bitch
white zombie
who wants to live forever |
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| spank it sugar |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|09:45 pm] |
I've decided to find a willing woman to have sex with right after I ETS cause it'll save me having to kill someone. Sincerely, these people are fucking stupid. We're four weeks from shipping out for 12 to (more likely) 18 months and they want us to work seven days a week ( we honestly have nothing to do) and will only give us four days to see our family. Well, I hope they know we don't forget this kind of shit, we don't forget being screwed over.
Anyshoo, I had fun at NTC. I had a nice place to stay camparitively, cool people to hang out with and a pretty satisfying make-out session. The only thing I can say for that horrendous flirt is he's a damn good kisser. I think though, that why I haven't enjoyed myself in the past is I've not relaxed. I have slightly dominant/sdst tendancies and I guess I've been worried that would scare someone off. Well that's just silly cause then I end up not enjoying myself. That's the biggest problem in my life, not relaxing and being myself. I really need to relax. I kinda wanted to try pot for a bit, but I don't like outside influences, so whatever. Dude, I'm gonna get fucked up good when I visit Ireland for my R&R. I just hope I meet some stimulating company. I'd like to get proper fucked this weekend, actually, I'd rather do the fucking, and here I consider myself a romantic. I wonder when that party Rico was talking about is? I'd actually like to go if only I had someone to go with. Well, I have like three people but I don't really like them like that, I just like hanging out. Aparrently I"m a big fucking tease. I just hope I learn fluent Gaelic while I'm gone. that'd kick ass. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|09:40 pm] |
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Oh, so here's another dream: I was playing hide and see in this huge building. I took the elevator to the top floor and ended up on this apartment. I decided to lock all the doors (which was kind of cheating). There were like eight doors in this one room ( a dining room) they were all blue cottage doors with wreathes. The ceiling was wood with leaves and tree branches and flowers peeking through. The sun shone brightly. Well, I didn't make it to the last door in time and had to flee the room, I ran outside and saw Thueson in this black cowboy outfit sans hat. So I tried to run away because if he didn't tag me, he didn't win. I was stopped by a handsome blonde male with rather longish hair. I tried to get away, cause dude, I want to win, but he kissed me ever so sweetly. To my annoyance, I pulled back and asked him what game he was playing then I woke up. So disappointing he was kind of lovely. He hadn't even spoken a word. So, dude, what's the dealio, I have dreams like that, that should be a thirteen year olds dream, but never anything steamy? It's odd. Course, I've only enjoyed one of my -piffle you non-word-remembering-motherfucka-. The others were boring. And I hate overly sweet, no I hate sweet when they don't really know me. It's a lie. |
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| Behold suckage |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|04:05 pm] |
My ship has sails all a aglow in the moonlight
I'm gonna sail away
But I'll be back again someday
Maybe, baybe
Don't you dare wait, honey
I never want you unhappy
But if I come back and you're alone
You'll be the first thing I see
When I come home
But maybe this is for the best,
You can do much better than crazy,baby
Better than neurotic honey
I love, I miss, can't breathe without you
Isn't that what you want me to say
Maybe when I come back I'll undestand
Actually wanting to wake up with a man
Live with one person, see them everyday
Shouln't I pine, burn, or perish if you're away?
Maybe I'll undestand this whole love thing
And if I ever do, it'll probably be you
This sucks, I sang an impromptu, I always have the best lyrics impromptu, cause Im singing what I"m feeling but I never remember them to write them down, oh well I'll hold onto this, Maybe it'll come back to me |
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| Belltower dream |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|01:20 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | belltower dream | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | My current distraction |
| | When you say you love me | ] |
Ok, so I had a fairly interesting dream last night. First there was a, well I suppose it was a church.It was very tall there was a bell tower on top and on top of that was what looked like an ornate black cage. For some reason a man was talking about putting someone in it, I don't know what this individual had supposedly done. So there was a large group of people standing there when suddenly, snakes appeared (well snake heads). Many and all poisonous, someone was doing it on purpose, we all scattered and some tried to hide. I found myself in a parking lot, I was hiding between some cars, but a white van drove by and the people inside looked at me suspiciously in a manner I did not like so I scrambled to find somewhere else. I overheard a woman asking for a medic. I'd seen this woman before, she's no good, I'm not sure what indicated this to me. She was dressed as a nurse but definatley not a nurse. Anyway so I went to offer my help ( I just wanted to see what her dealio was). She tried to inject me with some shit but I grabbed a scapel and cut her hand, displeased to see it bleeding I'd somewhat thought she was a robot. I ran into a building, big mistake. She followed me I ran all the way upstairs to find a dead end and she was comming she seemed dangerous. I ran midway back down by this window ( not to the outside to the otherside of the buidling. There was a gap in the wall, I slid through the gap. There was an exit sign across the way a couple of floors down. I precariously climbed down using pipes and made it to the exit. When I came out there was a large group of people in suits. OH fuck! They were more of her kind, I ran back in maybe to try the other way, or to face her, after all she's only one. I grabbed a long black metal pipe and ran back out and started to run away, one of them followed me. He was a large man with a round face, black hair and a beard wearing a black suit with a black polkacotted shirt. We fought, but I don't really know how to fight, I was loosing so I swung at him like a baseball bat and tried to run. Another dude, showed up, but I guess they were competative bacause they fought for a minute then turned thier attention back to me. A dog was there, I 'aquired' his characteristics, his senses, his instincts, his claws. I growled and bit the first man's hand while the dog attacked the other, we subdued them then ran. I didn't know why they wanted me, who they were, or how long I was with them for. ( three weeks) Anyway awesome dream. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2006|01:04 am] |
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Last week was freaking awesome. I spent almost all week in a class where you get to drive 113's in complete dark ...Anyhoo it was awesome and fun. But I met this dude who's a fair enough guy but he pisses me off. He's trying to date me, but he treats me like a gorram 'lady.' I'm no lady, I'm a starship pilot. kidding. Anyway, I don't go for that shite, some other person who enjoys being treated like something fucking precious would be lucky to have him. Me, I want someone to fight with, someone who's intelligent, musical, and likes to argue just for the sake of arguing. I know opposites supposedly attract, well screw that, I want someone who shares my interests but not necessarily my views. Way so far is the closest, the only thing he didn't have going for him was the music thing and that is so very important to me. "I am waiting for my real life to begin, I already have a plan" I think after I ETS I'm going Peace Corp like I originally planned or PC alternative. I have a good ten years to use my bill, it'll only wait two. I think it's an oportunity that cannot be passed, well that and travel the world with Tj and KG. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|01:52 am] |
Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
But they're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
**********************************************************
I just like the song. I wrote another poem that doesn't rhyme and for some really stupid reason that bothers me. I'm so terribly depressed about going back to Georgia tomorrow. I absolutely hate that place. Is it really worth it is the question? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|12:48 pm] |
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
-Iris, Goo goo dolls
Sometimes I worry that I have no depth to my emotions. I just realized right this second that the real problem is I'm always thinking about how I SHOULD react/ feel and not just feeling. I cannot control what I feel and I cannot be judged by another's standards as they are not me and I not them. CID showed up several times this morning (so that's what they do) and I had no idea what the hell was going on but apparently some (probably drunk) fucking bastard walked into someone's room and accousted this individual. What the fuck?! Who the bloody hell do you think you are, I think we shoud find him and set his bitch as on fire or somethink equally vengeful, then we should turn him in. Fine not gonna happen but what kind of person just does shit like that drunk or sober? More disturbing because the victim gives an aura that's a cross between slightly crazy, slightly whimiscal, and slightly childlike innocence. Predictions upon what resounding effect this will have cannot be made.
So I spent nearly a week in the field being the only female among like forty males or so. I walked around all the time by myself even in the very dark (no lights, it's a field, except of course the tracers from the bradleys firing) and I just had the transient feeling like I could be the queen of them. It was very transient and stupid, (and slighlty insulting to them) I merely mention it because it is probably in stark contrast to what ..... may feel and it's what ..... should feel just for a moment when in the field and now who knows if .... will ever go again. Stupid, I'm an idiot. Oh hell!I wonder if Imbody has been told? |
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ceol_leannan's journal
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